I’d been working with my Lady exclusively for 15 years before I officially dedicated myself to Her service. It wasn’t a fear of commitment, exactly. I was perfectly willing to commit to Her. She’s amazing. And if She’d changed Her mind later about working with me I would have understood and carried on – I’ve done it before and survived it perfectly well, thank you.
I simply couldn’t imagine why She would ever want to commit to me. Even before I knew which end of an athame was sharp I knew that Her accepting me into Her service established a two-way relationship, gave Her responsibilities to me as well as me to Her. Why the hell would She want to do that? I was so convinced that She wouldn’t want to bother with me that I didn’t listen to Her when She said that relationship was exactly what She was going for.
So W/we did this whole “together until one of U/us wants to bail” thing. That’s as far as I would let it go. Until I woke up one otherwise unremarkable morning filled with the knowledge that Her admittedly vast patience with my hesitance was gone and it was time to step it up. Ok then. Through an interesting game of deity telephone with multiple people I wound up naked in a ritual while a trusted top beat the hell out of me with everything from a flogger to a damn boat oar. He’s creative and has quite the toy box, so who knows what else was involved by the end? I certainly wasn’t tracking!
I can pretty much guarantee no kitchen sinks were involved. Otherwise? No clue.
At the time I had a hellaciously high pain tolerance, but this wasn’t a scene and there was little to no warm up. It was rough from the get-go. Rough in more than one sense, actually. I’m very musically cued, so the soundtrack for this ritual was a playlist of songs that pulled up every painful emotional thing I had gone through during my entire time with Her, including the 2 years I spent in Florida recovering from what was essentially a mental breakdown. The pain of this ritual wasn’t just physical, it was deliberately emotionally painful too.
I was sobbing within 5 minutes. The soundtrack was over an hour long.
I thought when we started that the point of the ritual was simply to endure it, to show that I was strong enough to serve Her, to earn my place. (Because obviously I had to earn a place with Her. It’s not like She could have wanted me as-is. *rolls eyes*) Every time I was driven to my knees I got back up to take more, getting more and more pissed at myself and my “weakness” as the time crawled past.
And no, Chumbawamba was not on my playlist. What a missed opportunity!
Near the end of the playlist – and my endurance – I got knocked down again. Except this time, instead of getting pissed at myself I got pissed at Her. How much more did She want from me? I very clearly remember snarling out loud “Well dammit! I could REALLY use some FUCKING help here, since I’m doing all this for You anyway!!!”
I didn’t feel another blow for the remaining 10ish minutes. She took them instead. My body moved under the force of the blows, but every muscle in my body instantly relaxed and my breathing immediately leveled out. I couldn’t even hear much of the music anymore. I was wrapped in Her, in contentment and peace, and standing there to finish off that soundtrack was suddenly no more difficult than standing in line during a high wind.
During that entire 10 minute period I also felt Her satisfaction and relief. As the soundtrack ran out and the blows stopped coming I realized – FINALLY – that She didn’t want a demonstration of my endurance. She knew how good my endurance was. My endurance was part of the problem.
She wanted my trust. She wanted me to lean on Her, to rely on Her to hear my prayers at night and still be there in the morning. She wanted me, needed me, to have enough faith in myself to have faith in Her. The whole damn ritual was Her last-ditch effort to get that through to me. Waking up the next morning bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, with hardly a mark on me and no soreness to speak of, was the cherry on the top of my “Aren’t I a Clueless Mess?” sundae.
It’s true that in some cases bruises really do teach best. But I’d like to help others avoid that, if I can. Hence this post.
Let’s start at the beginning. What is trust?
The dictionary definition of trust is a “reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc,. of a person or thing; confidence”. It then goes on to define trust as the “confident expectation of something; hope”.
At the time I relied on no one but myself. I didn’t have enough confidence in myself to feel confident in trusting others to be there for me – why would they? The few people that I had relied on throughout my life to that point had all abandoned me for one reason or another, and I didn’t have any real hope that the trend would change. Even with a goddess. Maybe especially with a goddess. I mean, wasn’t She busy with more important things than me? So I managed myself and figured She’d let me know if She needed me for anything else.
That whole attitude had some unintended consequences. I didn’t expect Her to magickally fix my life, which was good. But it never crossed my mind that She might want to make things better for me, so it never occurred to me to ask for help in the first place. That effectively tied Her hands – She respected me and my own agency more than I respected myself, and that limited my relationship with Her. Even more, that “I am an island” attitude trickled into every relationship I had with all the other Powers. I didn’t give Anyone any openings to make O/our relationships a partnership.
After literally getting my ass kicked enough to see the problem I realized this isn’t where I wanted things to be. I had to fix it.
The Powers will catch us, as long as trust Them enough to fall. Without our trust They just stand there. Waiting. Tapping Their feet. I’m damned lucky my Lady knew me well enough not to push!
How do we develop trust in Them?
There are a couple of things I had to do to really start trusting the Powers. Maybe these will apply to you and maybe they won’t, but here are the steps I took. (And wow does it look neater in a nicely numbered list than it did when I was living it!)
1) Start at the Center.
I talk about this a lot. When in doubt, when hurt or lost or confused, go to your Center and reassess. (Don’t know where your Center is? Check out this post.) It applies here too – it’s hard to figure out how you relate to O/others when you don’t know how you relate to yourself.
When I went back to my Center I had to figure a few things out. I knew I had trust issues. Those trust issues were a defense mechanism, but for what exactly? I needed to figure out what they were defending me against. Once I figured that out I could then assess whether those defenses were still useful and address them accordingly.
The absolute core of everything was this idea of abandonment. I figured that anyone I counted on would leave me, either physically or emotionally, the second I began depending on them. Worse yet, they’d leave without notice – leaving my routine-dependent self scrambling to fill whatever niche they left vacant.
I can’t even say this was an irrational fear, since I have a long list I can point to for reference. And since the only common denominator between all those people was me, then obviously they must have all left because of something I did. In most cases I had no idea what that could have been (although WOW did I have theories), but there it was.
This led to me being more distant from others than I think I would have been otherwise. *shrug* If I wasn’t close to them, it wouldn’t hurt so much when they left. I also had a distinct lack of confidence in my own charm/awesomeness/lovability, because nothing intrinsically “me” had been enough to make people stick around before. To keep them around I had to be more than just me – I had to become indispensable. They couldn’t leave if they needed me, right?
It’s not like all of those issues were limited to my human interactions. Oh, no, that would be way too easy. They influenced my interactions with the Powers too. As a handy example, it’s exactly this line of thought that led to my needing the dedication ritual I talked about at the beginning of this post.
Once I figured all of that out – and it took time – everything came down to one simple question: was protecting myself from future hurt more important to me than building my relationships with the Powers?
I won’t lie. For awhile protecting myself was more important. My armor was what I needed to be functional at the time. Not that I sat on my hands or anything. I spent that time stabilizing myself, anchoring my Center, finding and exploring my purpose. Once I had enough of an anchor that reaching out no longer seemed so scary those relationships with the Powers felt more necessary. I’d just needed to do the prep work.
2) Ditch “blind faith” in favor of actions.
Those of us who grew up in monotheistic faiths were told, again and again, things like “God will provide”. I was, at least. I heard that as a kid as I once again shoved my clothes in a trash bag for yet another move, and I heard it when we were trying to feed 5 people on $20 a week, and I heard it when I tore ligaments in my ankle and my mom couldn’t afford to take me to the doc-in-a-box for a few days to get it taken care of. “God will provide” always had this underlying subtext of “because we certainly can’t”. We turned to God when we had no other options. And every time I missed school to take care of my little sister because my mom was too blitzed to care I once again saw it demonstrated that God didn’t provide, and that if I personally couldn’t cover it then there was no certainty anyone else could or would bother to.
If blind faith without follow-through worked for me I’d still be monotheist. That didn’t change when I started working with my Lady. I didn’t give Her everything from the get-go. I couldn’t. By the time She came to me I didn’t know how.
What I could do, though, was extend just enough trust to cover one thing. That was plenty challenging to start with! When I worked through my issues and stumbled over something in my head that triggered me, something that made me cry or made me rage or made me shut down completely, I turned to Her. I trusted Her to be with me when I worked through all the reasons I couldn’t have Her in my life.
Every time She did the equivalent of petting my hair and murmuring to me I felt a little safer, a little better, a little more valued and loved. And just barely brave enough to keep spelunking in my own dark places.
There are monsters hiding in the dark. *shiver*
Gradually I started trusting Her with other things. And She delivered. Trust wasn’t given over in one go, it was built step-by-step. The first time I argued with Her I knew it was over. I just knew She’d walk away and find someone that was less trouble. When She actually listened to me, took what I said into account, and was happy that I’d stood up for myself? I was dumbfounded. I had absolutely no idea what to do with that.
I think that moment was when W/we turned the corner. She earned my trust, action by action, brick by brick. Now it’s hard for me to imagine not trusting Her – it would be like not trusting gravity. And with that kind of stability I found reaching out beyond Her and trusting others a much easier prospect.
3) Let Powers you trust vouch for Powers you don’t know yet.
As a polytheist I know each Power as individual and distinct, like people. And on the whole I still work from the premise that people are generally not to be trusted. That carries over when I engage the Powers.
What’s different now is that I trust my Lady implicitly. When She asks me to work with Someone I trust Her to have vetted Them. By vouching for Them She knowingly risks my hard-earned trust in Her. And since I trust that She values the relationship we’ve built, and I can always count on Her support, I have the confidence to do as She asks. After all, even if something happens with that relationship my Lady is always there to support me and help me if I need it. Having not had that kind of dependability before, realizing I had it was life-changing.
How does trusting Them change things?
A willingness to trust has made the relationships I have with the Powers possible. Once I trusted my Lady I was able to extend at least a willingness to trust to other Powers. Once They proved trustworthy (and my Lady was super-careful in the beginning to make sure They would) it became even easier to branch out. Even to other people!
There are now several Powers in addition to my Lady that I gladly work with, that I’ll go out on a limb for, because They’ve proven They’ll back me up if necessary. A few can even vouch for Others and have that taken into account. That’s so far from where I started it’s in another universe.
I still have some trust issues, true. I’m gradually working through them, and I will be for the foreseeable future. But I would never have started the process at all without my Lady “encouraging” me to, and working through them has brought me closer to Her than I’d ever dreamed possible. My Center is more solid, I actually feel balanced more often than not, and I’ve grown through my interactions with Them in uncountable ways.
All of this growth comes from that one specific dedication ritual years ago. In my case bruises might not teach best, but they certainly did open me up to the lesson!